Lynette Bishop Snell

I will hold on… July 7, 2005

I’ve been sick to my stomach all morning. Terrorist idiots have left their evil mark on this world again. This time in London. As soon as I saw the headline on CNN’s website this morning, I was briefly transported back to where I sat in my old house on September 11, 2001, watching in unchecked horror the events that unfolded that day. I briefly felt that fear course through my veins. I immediately accounted for all of my family members’ whereabouts. I cried. All of this within one minute of reading the news.

I desperately needed to talk to my husband who is in New Jersey right now. I needed to hear his voice and be reassured. Of what, I do not know. I just needed comfort. But I knew he’d still be asleep. It was only 7:30 or so. Suddenly I saw him log onto chat. I was relieved and comforted just seeing his name pop up.

Why do people do this?
To make innocent people afraid? It worked.
To make a statement? It was heard loud and clear.
To effect a positive change? Done. Positive for us. Not so positive for them.

I will hold onto my belief in the rightness of securing peace for the overwhelming majority of earth’s inhabitants. I will hold onto my belief in justice for those who murder, maim and terrorize just for the sake of murdering, maiming and terrorizing. Most importantly, I will hold onto my belief in the ultimate Justice…Jesus Christ. In the end, He will bring everyone of us to stand before His throne and give an accounting of our actions on earth. I’m not always sure I’m ready for that. It’s quite frightening being held accountable. I wonder if these evil people are prepared for that accounting? Are you?

Family Exchange July 5, 2005

One of my fondest memories as a child were of summertime. Each summer, my siblings and I would spend one week with my cousins at their house in Ohio. It was always so much fun. I remember counting the days until we were all together again. We would go to Kings Island (an amusement park near Cincinnati), hike along old Indian trails, play games inside of the gymnasium at Cedarville College (now Cedarville University) where my uncle was a professor, catch lightning bugs outside at dusk, play hide and seek in their yard. The goods times were seemingly endless. And then we would switch. My parents would come pick up my siblings and me and take my cousins home with us where the fun would begin all over again. Except for some reason it was always more fun to be at my cousins’ house. New environments are always more fun, I think, than the same old familiar one. For a while anyway.

Now that I am a mom, I am making it a purpose that for at least a few days each summer, I take my older nephew and nieces (Ryan who is almost 15, Becca who is 13 1/2, and Elizabeth who will be 7 in August) and keep them with me. We play in whatever way we can and my own kids (Molly, age 7 tomorrow and TJ age 6 on July 27) are starting to expect it too. But I’m still not sure who enjoys it more: the kids or me!

This year, my brother (the father of Ryan, Becca & Elizabeth) and his wife, Ann, kept my kids for two days. It was the first time and my brother loved it. I was thrilled. My brother also has 2 younger children, Maggie, aged 4 1/2 and Nathaniel who just turned 4 in May. They are both Down Syndrome babies. Maggie is their birth child and Nathaniel was adopted from Ukraine in December of 2003. So my brother & his wife have their hands full 5 times over. The 2 oldest are very active in tennis, band camps, mission trips, gymnastics, pageants, etc. The 2 “babies” (as we call them) are in to everything and are true partners in crime. So it meant the world to me that my brother and his wife willingly kept my kids for 2 days…and actually enjoyed it!

Now I am going to make it a solid tradition I think. Summer time = Family Exchange time. I can’t think of a better way to pass the lazy summer days away!

Still here! July 3, 2005

Today was the big wave of my family get-together. We had a smaller crowd than usual and for the most part, it was a wonderful, pleasant and fun-filled day.

Tracy, my husband, started out by making his wonderful to die for pancakes. He had three “seatings” of pancakes: early birds (my in-laws and children), mid risers (me, my sisters-in-law), and the visitors (the rest of my family). I stuffed myself early on and that was a problem. When my mom arrived, she made my aunt’s famous “road kill dip.” It’s made of ground beef, hormel chili and velveta cheese…all melted and cooked and stirred together in a crock pot. It’s so delicious…I ate so much I almost wished I was the road kill. At least then I would have been flattened and the pressure would have been released.

Then lunch came…tons more food. I felt like I was just standing around eating. I think that is one of the things I hate most about big family gatherings like this. It’s just one large feeding frenzy all day long.

The afternoon (after several snoozes around the house) was spent shooting water guns at each other. No one was sacred: grandma’s, babies…everyone was fair game. I was so drenched (thanks to my 15 year old nephew) that I had to change my clothes. My mother even jumped in the fray and began shooting water guns at anything and anyone who walked by. It was wonderful to see her acting so youthful. She tends to be too “old” for her age sometimes and I like to see her acting young and foolish on occasion. My mother-in-law, Ann, is an 18 year old trapped in a 72 year old’s body. She always acts young and foolish! One of her best traits.

Another activity to while away the hours was target shooting with a bee-bee gun. We took turns trying to shoot the target and see who could get the bulls eye. I’m proud to say yours truly hit closest to the mark: One ring from the center. No one else got close!

The evening was spent on the St. John’s River swimming and jet skiing. My in-laws (Fred & Ann) live in St. Augustine. Because they have this wonderful place on the river, we generally don’t spend much time in St. Augustine itself. We have so much to do at the river!

We are now experiencing the traditional Florida afternoon/evening rains. Once they are done, we hope to have a wonderful early fireworks display off the dock.

It’s just tradition and it’s a great one. We had a wonderful day and I’m thrilled I got to spend it with my family, after all!

July 4th and Family Gatherings July 2, 2005

Don’t you just love family gatherings? Catching up with relatives not seen in too long. Eating. Playing card games and dominos. Eating again. Chasing kids around your in-laws’ house…threatening death and doom if anything gets broken. Eating some more. Cleaning up the mess once it is broken. Discovering in that unpleasant, awkward moment exactly why you don’t live close to these relatives and you visit only on holidays. Eating yet again. Then concluding the day with a wonderful display of pyrotechnics, accompanied by the usuall ooos and aaahhs.

I love my family dearly. I can’t wait to spend the next 36-48 hours with them. But I also enjoy when they will be gone. I know they will be happy to get back to their own lives too.

I am interested in how it will all play out. My family has its own nuances, just like any other family. Being married doubles the fun. Not only do I get to “experience” my own family’s weirdness, I get to indulge in a little bit of in-law insanity too! And being completely fair, they get a glimpse of my own “Jekyll & Hyde Nature.”

The fun will begin soon. Here we go!

Not-So-Happy Pills July 1, 2005

I’m going thru the change. Not THAT one. The one where I am switching from Paxil CR to St. John’s Wort. I used to call Paxil my happy pills. Now I’m thinking that that is a misnomer.

I wouldn’t describe what I’m feeling as “happiness.” It’s more pure, raw, unfiltered life. Colors are more vivid. Emotions are on the edge…constantly hovering and waiting to pounce upon any innocent travelers who stray near them. And then there is music.

Music. Has there been such an outlet for emotions as music? Not for me. I cry so easily these days when I hear any songs. Just a word is all it may take. I don’t remember feeling music so acutely before when I was on the happy pills. Is it possible that Paxil was masking my emotions? In order to keep me stable, I think the medicine was blocking out everything: good, bad and indifferent. I wasn’t too happy, I wasn’t too sad, I wasn’t too angry, I wasn’t too anything.

Once I’d been off of Paxil for about 2 weeks (I was weaning myself), Tracy said to me one day, “I hear more life in your voice when I talk to you than I have in so long I can’t remember.”

So what’s so happy about a pill that doesn’t let me feel emotions? I haven’t cried at movies, sappy stories, TV shows, books, in years. At first the flood of emotional freedom almost consumed me. I could not handle or process all that was going through my head.

But with time and patience, I began to feel like I was coming out from underneath the water and into fresh air. I still feel so many raw emotions that at times I feel threatened. But mostly I am beginning to enjoy the ups and downs. I want the distance to be a bit less extreme than it is now, but i hope the gap does not ever close completely, like it seemed to have with Paxil. I’m not sure why I never noticed it. I was so happy to just be even I guess that I didn’t worry about feeling.

But back to Music. I have realized that I have not fully enjoyed music in too long. I love the sweeping emotions that flow through me with different songs, voices, instruments.

I have also begun singing at church with the Praise Team. I am NOT a wonderful singer. I can, however, carry a tune which makes things a bit better for me than others. I feel the music we sing so thoroughly that I want to shout out…”don’t you feel it? isn’t it wonderful?!!!?”

I just can’t get enough music. Everywhere I go I must have music. Perhaps this IS how I am processing my emotions. Music IS my outlet. Whether I am singing, listening or playing…I am FEELING!

And also for the first time in years, I have something to write about! I have the desire to write and now I have the catalyst. The “change” is doing more than just switching my medication. It is helping me change.

And I just might sing a little music along the way!