I’m going thru the change. Not THAT one. The one where I am switching from Paxil CR to St. John’s Wort. I used to call Paxil my happy pills. Now I’m thinking that that is a misnomer.
I wouldn’t describe what I’m feeling as “happiness.” It’s more pure, raw, unfiltered life. Colors are more vivid. Emotions are on the edge…constantly hovering and waiting to pounce upon any innocent travelers who stray near them. And then there is music.
Music. Has there been such an outlet for emotions as music? Not for me. I cry so easily these days when I hear any songs. Just a word is all it may take. I don’t remember feeling music so acutely before when I was on the happy pills. Is it possible that Paxil was masking my emotions? In order to keep me stable, I think the medicine was blocking out everything: good, bad and indifferent. I wasn’t too happy, I wasn’t too sad, I wasn’t too angry, I wasn’t too anything.
Once I’d been off of Paxil for about 2 weeks (I was weaning myself), Tracy said to me one day, “I hear more life in your voice when I talk to you than I have in so long I can’t remember.”
So what’s so happy about a pill that doesn’t let me feel emotions? I haven’t cried at movies, sappy stories, TV shows, books, in years. At first the flood of emotional freedom almost consumed me. I could not handle or process all that was going through my head.
But with time and patience, I began to feel like I was coming out from underneath the water and into fresh air. I still feel so many raw emotions that at times I feel threatened. But mostly I am beginning to enjoy the ups and downs. I want the distance to be a bit less extreme than it is now, but i hope the gap does not ever close completely, like it seemed to have with Paxil. I’m not sure why I never noticed it. I was so happy to just be even I guess that I didn’t worry about feeling.
But back to Music. I have realized that I have not fully enjoyed music in too long. I love the sweeping emotions that flow through me with different songs, voices, instruments.
I have also begun singing at church with the Praise Team. I am NOT a wonderful singer. I can, however, carry a tune which makes things a bit better for me than others. I feel the music we sing so thoroughly that I want to shout out…”don’t you feel it? isn’t it wonderful?!!!?”
I just can’t get enough music. Everywhere I go I must have music. Perhaps this IS how I am processing my emotions. Music IS my outlet. Whether I am singing, listening or playing…I am FEELING!
And also for the first time in years, I have something to write about! I have the desire to write and now I have the catalyst. The “change” is doing more than just switching my medication. It is helping me change.
And I just might sing a little music along the way!