Yesterday, I sat down and wrote a blog post. It was amazing, outstanding, profound, life-changing and quite possibly the best thing I have ever written. Of course, in my haste to post it before my lunch break was over, I managed to somehow delete the entire post.
Gone! Forever! My immortal words suddenly became the worst thing possible: merely mortal.
I was frustrated and irritated. An entire post just poof! Vanished. Then a thought popped into my mind: Perhaps you were not meant to say those things, Lynette.
Hold on for a minute–I actually have a shocking confession: I don’t really remember what I wrote. I wracked my brain, trying to recall anything, but it was all gone. For whatever reason, my words were not meant for human consumption–apparently not even this human!
It did make me stop and ponder for a moment. Was that God’s hand gently pressing those ridiculous buttons on my keyboard to eliminate something he did not approve? Perhaps. I don’t remember the specifics of my post, but I do know it wasn’t anything scandalous. Then another thought came to mind.
Maybe it wasn’t about what others might read, but more about what God was ready for me to say. I know that sounds a bit convoluted but my point is, I think he was telling me, “you have more lessons to finish and I’m not ready for you to go blabbing to the world everything you think you know.”
He was right. Within a couple hours of what I now term, “The Big Delete,” I got an email that sent me on a completely unexpected tailspin. I was crying at work, angry and swearing in the car on the way home, and ready to cause some serious damage to my liver by ingesting copious amounts of alcohol.
It was more of what I constantly fight: two steps forward, three steps forward, four steps forward, and then wham! I’m clothes lined, my feet swept out from under me. I’m lying flat on my back, staring up at heaven and asking “Why? Why? WHY?”
God doesn’t give me answers when I get demanding and cranky. I often feel he doesn’t answer me at all. But I know He’s up there, planning, scoping things out, working out details I know nothing about.
Recently, I discovered a new song that has risen to the top of my playlist. It’s called “Tell Your Heart to Beat Again” by Danny Gokey. The entire lyrics, from start to finish grab at every sinew and fiber of my heart. But these lines, especially, resonate with me.
Beginning. Just let that word wash over you
It’s all right now
Love’s healing hands have pulled you through
So get back up
Take step one
Leave the darkness
Feel the sun
‘Cuz your story’s far from over
And your journey’s just begun
I’m all about story. And my journey is chronicled here every time I sit down to write. But beginnings? I feel like every day is one more step into quicksand. I certainly never expected to be where I am at this stage in my life. But, here I am.
Is it a beginning? A reset, like the magical combination of “control-alt-delete?” If it is a beginning, I wish I knew the beginning of what, because I surely am not getting much direction.
I’m like the Psalmist in the Bible who wrote, “…my spirit grows faint within me; my heart within me is dismayed…answer me quickly, Lord; my spirit fails. Do not hide your face from me…show me the way I should go for to you I entrust my life…”
My control-alt-delete seems to be stuck in repeat mode. Please, Lord. Show me the way and help my journey move forward.