When I published my post, The F-Word, yesterday, I did so on my way into my bi-weekly therapy session, where I began cataloguing all of my woes, complaints, confusion, questions, etc., and how fervently and faithfully I had been praying for 18 months that God would close doors, open windows, give direction and guidance–in short, just show up in my life. I asked God to take things away, while giving me other things, all within his will of course (crickets chirping). But nothing ever seemed to happen.
I was still crying over spilled divorce milk, I was still lonely and sad, I was still heartbroken, and I was still alone.
So I told my guardian angel/therapist Sue Ann that I was having a sort of crisis of faith. I told her that I have prayed and prayed but nothing ever seems to happen. I feel trapped in this town that I want to love and enjoy but I can’t. I love to go out with friends but I’m terrified that I will run into him when he’s out on a date, and I just don’t think I could handle that being shoved in my face. I have tried and tried and tried to get out of here–I applied to over 500 companies in Indianapolis, Charlotte, Atlanta, Dublin (Georgia, not Ireland) and Valdosta (also Georgia). I tried Tampa, Orlando, Tallahassee, Miami, and Jacksonville. I even tried Chicago and New York! I did not want to be a Vet Tech anymore, and I needed more money in order to survive. So I tried administrative jobs, publishing jobs, sales jobs, and flight attendant jobs! My second job was looking for a job. The law of averages had to catch up with me soon, right? Right??
Ask me how many job interviews I had. Go ahead, ask me.
Ask me how many job offers I had. Go ahead, ask me.
Ask me what job they were both for. Go ahead, ask me.
Do I even need to say it? Yes. They were BOTH for Vet Tech positions.
As I explained all of this to Sue Ann, she sat there quietly with her usual stoic but attentive look on her face. When I paused for a moment, she jumped in with her comments.
“Lynette, you have been praying a lot. But what what I hear is you directing God in those prayers. You have been telling him what to do, where to take you, and what you want to happen. What you should want to pray for–no, wait. What you need to pray for is peace. The peace that passes all understanding.”
Those darned chirping crickets seem to follow me everywhere and they always put their two cents’ worth into a conversation when I really don’t care what they have to say!
But then it hit me…I said, “wait, Peace? As in ‘Be still?'”
She said, “Yes. But don’t forget the rest of that verse. ‘Be Still and know that I. Am. God.’ And remember that God has plans. He knows what He’s doing. You just need to know that and have peace about that.”
Yeah. So. Maybe I’m not quite getting it yet. And the whole “Be Still” thing really does require one to be still. That includes not moving away just yet. So now, I think, it’s time to learn the second part of that verse: and KNOW that I am God.
Be quiet, crickets. I’ve got some listening and knowing to do.