Reflections on Life in General

Hard Candy Christmas

Hey, maybe I’ll dye my hair
Maybe I’ll move somewhere
Maybe I’ll get a car
Maybe I’ll drive so far
They’ll all lose track
Me, I’ll bounce right back
Maybe I’ll sleep real late
Maybe I’ll lose some weight
Maybe I’ll clear my junk
Maybe I’ll just get drunk on apple wine
Me, I’ll be justFine and Dandy
Lord it’s like a hard candy christmas
I’m barely getting through tomorrow
But still I won’t let
Sorrow bring me way downI’ll be fine and dandy
Lord it’s like a hard candy christmas
I’m barely getting through tomorrow
But still I won’t let
Sorrow bring me way down

Hey, maybe I’ll learn to sew
Maybe I’ll just lie low
Maybe I’ll hit the bars
Maybe I’ll count the stars until dawn
Me, I will go on

Maybe I’ll settle down
Maybe I’ll just leave town
Maybe I’ll have some fun
Maybe I’ll meet someone
And make him mine
Me, I’ll be just

Fine and dandy
Lord it’s like a hard candy christmas
I’m barely getting through tomorrow
But still I won’t let
Sorrow bring me way down

I’ll be fine and dandy
Lord it’s like a hard candy christmas
I’m barely getting through tomorrow
But still I won’t let
Sorrow bring me way down

I’ll be fine and dandy
Lord it’s like a hard candy christmas
I’m barely getting through tomorrow
But still I won’t let
Sorrow bring me way down

‘Cause I’ll be fine
(I’ll be fine)
Oh, I’ll be fine

I had forgotten about this song until, sitting at my “happy place” restaurant in town, I heard it on the radio. I instantly paused, transfixed by the lyrics and the mournful, melancholy tune. I had to see all the lyrics and Googled them as soon as I snapped out of my reverie.

Every single line in that song touch a part of my fractured, damaged soul. All the way down to the line “I’m barely getting through tomorrow/But still I won’t let sorrow bring me way down.”
The holidays are here, in case you hadn’t noticed. And they are here in full force, as per their usual modus operandi. It’s the most frustrating time of year for me. As a former self-proclaimed “Christmas Queen,” I am full of angst from Thanksgiving onward.

I am in a state of constant flux between Jekyll and Hyde.

Jekyll: I love the holidays! The music, the decorations, buying presents, putting up the tree, remembering all the wonderful memories from each ornament as I place it on my tree, the parties.

Hyde: I effing hate the holidays. Grinch is a rookie compared to me. I can’t stand the forced happiness, the fake philanthropy, the insanity of each moment and trying to cram every single one of those moments with joy and happiness and events and activities and…well…just crap.

Jekyll: Oh but maybe I can have some people over for dinner and use my beautiful Christmas china!

Hyde: The house smells like a litter box used by 12 cats.

Jekyll: Oh but the lights are so beautiful and festive! I’ll just invite family over. They’ll understand the sm–…uh, mess.

Hyde: You are broke. You have nothing to give. No one appreciates what you do anyway, so why waste the little bit of time and resources you have to do anything nice? It’s a joke, this whole “giving” nonsense. Give it up. You’re a lazy, broke, slob who should just hunker down on her couch and watch dumb Christmas movies alone in the dark. No one cares whether or not you are alive.

Jekyll: I just watched “It’s a Wonderful Life,” so I KNOW someone out there cares whether or not I was born. Maybe not to the extreme that George Bailey experienced, but come on…the idea is beautiful! Maybe I should buy more gifts and put up some more lights…..

Hyde: (loudly rolls eyes). You sad, pathetic, hopeless romantic fool. That’s. Not. Real. Wake up and smell the Keurig. Nothing about the holidays is redeeming. Not even that stupid movie or anything Hallmark produces.

Jekyll: Well, you’re right there. I hate those dumb movies. They just make you think things can be wonderful if you find the right man, job, house, etc. I hate those. They just make me think about how sad and lonely I am.

Hyde: Yes! You are starting to see things my way. Everything about this season is horrible.

Jekyll: But what about the birth of Christ?

Hyde: Yeah yeah. If you were a real Christian, you’d celebrate that in February or August when there are NO national holidays and do it without anyone noticing. And you’d be much more real than these posers who only go to church at Christmas and Easter.

Jekyll: Sigh. I do sometimes wish I could just get away from it all.

Hyde: (rubbing hands together in evil glee). Yes! Let’s get away. Let’s go somewhere alone. Where no one knows us and we can just hide and be pitiful in a cabin by ourselves.

Jekyll: The family would be sad. And I’d miss the family Christmas gathering.

Hyde: They’ll get over it. They always do. And everyone will be happier in the long run. No stark reminders of how you screwed up your life, and how you are in the pit of despair right now. They don’t have to see it and show pity, and you don’t have to be embarrassed and pretend. Let’s go!

I think you get the idea. I’d be shocked if everyone didn’t get this barrage of back and forth conversation in their heads at least once during this time of year.

I just want to be happy again. And to embrace what I used to love so dearly. Which brings me back to my original sentiment:

“I’m barely getting through tomorrow/But still I won’t let sorrow bring me way down.”
I’ll get there. It’s just rough right now. I might get a car and drive so far, I lose track…
But, I’ll be back. I always do come back.

I'd love to hear your positive thoughts...