When I was in my twenties, I had a bucket list. At the time, I’m not even sure I knew I had one. But on a cold February evening in 1992, I sat in the back of a taxi as it hurtled through the darkened streets of London, chatting with a guy I had been set up on a blind date with. My BFF and I had traveled to London to see her boyfriend who in turn set me up with this guy. His name was Christoper Clark. What a fabulously proper British name, right?
I don’t remember exactly what brought up the topic of things Christopher Clark and I wanted to do with our lives, but I clearly remember sitting on the edge of the seat, almost as if I was about to leap out of the car and start on my list right then and there. Before I had time to think, the worlds tumbled out of my mouth:
- Learn to fly an airplane
- Travel the world
- Write a novel
Fast forward 25 years. So many things stretch across those years: experiences, jobs, marriage, kids, moves to different states, births, deaths, divorce. I started thinking about my bucket list from all those years ago and wondered how different it looks today.
- Travel more of the world
- Publish a novel I have written
- Become a renowned photographer (or, at least sell some of my photographs!)
- Learn to fly an airplane and maybe jump out of it with a parachute (just in case, ya know?)
- Buy an RV and travel the country
- Live in France for an extended period of time (a few months? A year? Forever?)
- Work and play with Pandas (who doesn’t want to do that?)
- Be at peace in my soul
Isn’t it interesting how much my list changed, and yet, stayed the same? I guess it all boils down to one thing: adventure. I really love adventure! As long as it comes with a private bathroom/shower and clean sheets, that is. A girl has to have standards.
When I last saw my therapist/guardian angel, and she asked how I have been doing, I said, “I am making progress. I am still searching for peace, which is my…” I hesitated, unsure what to say.
She already knew. She said, “it’s your goal.”
My goal. The word goal implies so much: a journey, a path, activity, movement, achievement! Peace has become crucial to me. But maybe it doesn’t belong on my bucket list. Bucket lists are one-and-done items. Peace is something I want to be everlasting. Peace makes me want to kick that bucket away and just take each day as it comes. To live in the moment.
I have recently been told by a couple of dear friends that my blog posts have left them worried about my sanity, or at least whether or not I am able to function in society because of my depression. I am good. I am not great. I am not content. I am not fully at peace. But that, my friends, is my goal. Peace is the purpose of this writing journey I’ve been on. Peace is the foundation for the rest of my life to fall into place. My goal of peace provides me with hope, a gate through which I can travel and a filter for which I want the rest of my life to be viewed.
So perhaps my peace-full bucket list should look more like this:
- What’s next?
What’s on your bucket list? And does it bring you peace?