Afraid of the Dark — Part 1


“Thy Will” — Hillary Scott

I’m so confused 
I know I heard you loud and clear
So, I followed through
Somehow I ended up here 

Last week, I enjoyed the privilege of having my teeth cleaned.  While the hygienist scraped, probed, polished and made the occasional disapproving noises regarding my dental habits, I found myself looking heavenward.  With nothing to do but think (and spit when instructed), questions that hound me on a fairly regular basis crowded my brain.  How did I end up here?  Why did I make the choices I made?  Where would I be if I had done things differently?   These are not profound questions.  They are not even new ones.  But they are the ones that often scroll through my brain like ending credits on a Netflix show.    

I have to be careful how much time and attention I give these questions, though:  they line a slippery slope of thinking that sends me downward at alarming rates of speed.  And then I really begin to question.  And wonder.  And doubt.  

I don’t wanna think 
I may never understand
That my broken heart is a part of your plan
When I try to pray 
All I’ve got is hurt and these four words

Thy Will Be Done.

So I try my best to not consider the questions too long.  Instead, I think of myself and the things I have accomplished in my life lately.  I think of a photography contest I entered recently, and wonder if I have a chance to win.  Is he having lunch with her today?  I think of a vacation I’m taking next month with my sister.  Do my children like her?  I think of things I want to do with my house.  Is he going to buy a new house near her?  As you can see, I have mastered the art of turning my thoughts away from the difficult questions.  
I know you’re good
But this don’t feel good right now
And I know you think
Of things I could never think about

When the dark thoughts crowd my brain, I have begun reciting quotes, verses from the Bible, and articles I have read in order to calm the storm.  To Be Still AND Know!

It’s hard to count it all joy
Distracted by the noise
Just trying to make sense
Of all your promises
Sometimes I gotta stop
Remember that you’re God
And I am not
So
Thy Will Be Done.

Each day finds me stronger than the last.  Is it God’s will that I’m alone forever?  I know that my future is bright and full of hope. Why do I cry so much?  Eating healthy and regular walks on the beach have lead to weight loss and increased self-confidence.  I wonder if ice cream comes with this molten chocolate lava cake?

I know you see me
I know you hear me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Goodness you have in store
I know you hear me
I know you see me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Goodness you have in store
So

Thy Will Be Done.

Oh, Lord.  Why am I such a faithless creature?  I’m so weak and easily distracted.  I expect the worst then believe I deserve it when it happens.  I long for answers while simultaneously dreading what might come.   And through it all, even though I know you promise you will never leave me or forsake me, I shut myself off and feel alone, desolate, abandoned.  

And I am so afraid….

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Divorced. Mom. Friend. Writer. That's who I am.
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