Don’t you just hate that word? WAIT. Slow down. Hold on. Just a minute. Don’t rush.
By nature, I am not a great waiter. I don’t like to just slow down, hold on or take my time. I am an impulse shopper. I have a house full of crap I will never use, don’t need or want, and can’t ever seem to stop collecting. All because I am NOT a great waiter.
My life is finally at a crossroads. I have waited for this moment for so long and now that it is here, I am baffled.
My son graduates from high school in May. It was my far off date for when I would be able to finally shake the dust off of this wretched town that holds so many painful memories for me and move on to bigger and better things. But life stepped in and the ease with which I could move on has been eradicated from the equation. My teenaged daughter had a child. I found a job that I love. I made amazing friends.
Suddenly, it’s not so easy anymore.
Every few months over the last two years, I would sit at my computer and search for jobs in far off places, like Denver or Charlotte or San Diego. I even sent my resume on a whim to places in London. Why not, right? Nothing ever came from any of those exercises in futility. Nothing other than momentary distraction. But for a while, it made me feel like I was doing something. Anything. Movement was the key.
Now that I have the freedom to do as I wish, I find myself facing the inability to make a decision at all. Should I stay or should I go? The thought of staying is gut wrenching and sometimes nauseating. If I go, am I still just running away? Won’t I still have my doubts, insecurities and wretched emotions to face in Denver, or Charlotte or even London?
In a couple weeks, I am taking a trip to Denver with my best friend. We are going just to get away and have fun. One day I thought, “why not send out a resume or two and see if I can’t finagle an interview while there? The timing is perfect!” So I spruced up my resume (again) and got ready to send it out. But uncertainty stilled my hand. Standing in my kitchen getting ready to go out for the day, I asked aloud, “God, what should I do?“
Wait–what?? I clearly heard the word. I didn’t say it. My dogs didn’t say it. My cat doesn’t really say anything so I know it wasn’t from him. I stopped. I could hear the word ringing softly in my ears.
I have waited years for any sort of response from God. I have waited years for him to direct me clearly and show me what to do. All I have received is seeming silence. Now, I finally had an answer of sorts. In spite of the fact that it required more patience on my part, that one word promised so much hope and possibility. I was shocked to feel instant peace. And excitement! If his command to wait was so important that he clearly put it in my ears, then there must be something imminent about to change in my life. I thrilled to the thought. And I waited.
And waited. And waited some more.
A few weeks have swept by. I am still no closer to an answer or a decision for that matter. I keep hearing “Wait.” Nothing has changed. Doesn’t God know that I’m a horribly impatient person? Doesn’t he know that the “Wait” was just enough encouragement to keep me going and then make me want to get lots more answers? Especially clarification of the one word variety?
Nothing. Except a whole bunch more “waits.” Time hurtles forward at an alarming pace. Everything around me swirls into a blur of uncertainty and confusion. I am still impatient. I will always be in a rush. But waiting is something I am determined to do.
Now if God will only hurry up and clarify what I’m waiting for…